Tuesday, April 21, 2009

My Mom Thinks I'm Crazy

Not really, but I've sure given her good reason to! Today was one of those days at work. Lots of meetings, nothing really marked off the to-do list. I'm starting to feel the crunch-- only 10 more days in the office before I get married and begin the long-distance work transition. It's not stressing me out-- I have more than enough time to finish everything-- but I'm having to operate at such an efficient level of looking at things only once, making a decision, and moving on from them, that I'm losing touch with the fact that I don't need to hold everyone in my life to that expectation, ranging from coworkers to the lead singer of our wedding band.

I called B and told him all this (as I tried not to cry in Publix out of embarrassment at my own craziness sneaking out) and he had the perfect response: make me laugh, then say, "Hon, when you pick someone so perfect to marry, you can't help but have high standards, and that just isn't fair for everyone else out there." So he made me laugh and I felt better, then I got in the car, called my Mom to apologize for sounding crazy, and ended up sobbing my way through a stoplight.
I felt like that mommy blogger that just wrote for CNN saying that it's ok to feel overwhelmed when you have kids. You don't have to be perfect. It's odd, but everyone keeps asking me if I'm totally overwhelmed yet by all this wedding planning and, you know what, I'm not. But I feel like if I let the slightest bit of natural exhaustion show then I'm somehow showing weakness.
Let's be honest, this is too introspective a post to work on after a long day of meetings and a few frustrating conversations. I am weak, and that's ok. But I am not crazy! (She shouts to an empty room.)

So tonight I'm focusing on the good things. My good friend L may come over and have dinner. We may go walk before that. We may scrap dinner and simply over-indulge on cookies and wine. I'm pushing back that nagging reminder in my head to finish the wedding DVD, call Grandma to tell her I can't make our weekly supper tomorrow night, and begin sending out final emails to the wedding vendors. As Scarlett says, "I'll think about those things tomorrow." But tomorrow turns into ... let's not go there.
I'm excited for all the wonderful things happening in my life, and am so thankful and blessed that they are happening for both B and myself. Now I just need to cut myself some slack and enjoy my last 18 days of controlling the living by myself. Wow. Talk about a reality check!

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