I Met the Deacon and the (beat) Deacon Won

This past weekend proved to be adventuresome. I knew I'd be going to Atlanta to help B pack up for his 2nd year at Duke Law (wah!), but when his mom called on Friday morning, it was not anything I ever expected."You know, you'll be in town," she said. "You could just call and see if the church would meet with you."

The logical half of my brain understood this. We'll have to have this meeting anyway, it said. Now's perfect! The other, larger half said, Are you kidding? What are we going to wear?

So I called Holy Spirit in Atlanta (not to be confused with the Holy Spirit who, far as I know, doesn't have a 1-800 number), got the wedding planner on the phone and in a matter of minutes had left a sweet message for Deacon Bill. Who called me right back. And agreed to meet the next day. At 11am. Eek!

I'm not catholic (nor have I ever been a nun, see post below), so I wasn't sure what I was in for. Would they ask if we were living together? Sleeping together? Secretly killing kittens on the weekend for fun? None of which, by the way, are true. Funny how churches get the guilt going even when there's no guilt to be had!

We met Deacon Bill (I in my polo dress, B sans baseball cap) and he asked us the usual questions about how we met, how long we'd been dating. Then he split us up. SPLIT US UP. Again, my mind began racing. What would B lie about? What do I need to lie about? What if I lie and he doesn't and Deacon Bill turns us in for the kitten killings? Forget the fact that I had nothing to lie about, just waiting in that big church lobby propelled me right back to the grade school Principal's office (ok, I never got sent there either).

So what did he ask? Two questions: How do you plan to manage money? How will you divide the housework? Do you know that "housework" is listed as the most common cause (at least to Deacon Bill's parish) for divorce? I guess it leads to other things... feelings of under-appreciation, etc. Seriously though, if it was really that easy, couldn't we save a lot of marriages by hiring Merry Maids?

I don't mean to belittle our session (pleeeeease still marry us, Deacon Bill). It was just a little more eye-opening than I expected.

So we left with our homework. They're very interested in our not having been married before, so we have to prove that a couple ways, plus swear that we don't have a prenup. I'll leave you with the dialogue B and I had en route to the church that morning.

"I know what I'm going to say. I'll tell him I stayed up all night on my prayer mat bowing toward mecca."

"Baby, that's Islam."

"..that I kissed my first husband and my sister-wives goodbye before leaving the compound?"

"Baby, that's the Mormons."

"Well I definitely rubbed some guy's belly."

"Stop."

"Snakes?"

"No."

"Can I at least ask him if our second reading can be from the prenup?"

...I realize that B loves me very much. He must. For the record, we're both Christians. Some of us just like to push the buttons of others. Frequently.