Thursday, September 4, 2008

Catholic Church: 1, B&A: 0

B and I had hoped that Father Joe, from Duke's Catholic Church, would be able to perform our ceremony in May, but it turns out that we're overlapping just enough with graduation events that he's an official no-go. Bummer! I never got to meet him, but have heard great things from B.

He turned us down yesterday when B went to meet with him in his office and, sadly, after I got the update I wanted him to do our ceremony even more! Apparently he and B had a great talk about what marriage was about and people's expectations.

In a nutshell (albeit a second-hand nutshell), it seems Father Joe's take was that people always try to prepare for the big change of marriage but that, in reality, your goal is to have nothing change. You should keep doing the little things that made you fall in love with each other, and the kind things that you do thoughtlessly, but that hold great meaning for the other half of your relationship.

I like that. Instead of turning our worlds upside-down, B and I should try to keep them the same. I'd heard this regarding the wedding ("Don't overwhelm him!" "Talk about things other than wedding stuff like you used to before you got engaged!"), but never about the marriage.

It'll be interesting to see how we apply that theory. We've already been cautioned by Deacon Bill to get a housework gameplan on the books ("even though you'll throw it out in six months"), so the temptation (and even advice) is to write down everything that needs to be done around the house and split it up as evenly as you can.

I'm going to come right out and say I don't like that. I like cooking, and B often keeps me company in the kitchen and helps with chopping, mixing, etc (Unless it's his spaghetti sauce, in which case I'm relegated to a bar stool with a glass of wine.). So I don't want to "have" to share cooking, because it makes me happy. Doing dishes also makes me happy, ironically enough. I find it really soothing and stress relieving, especially if I'm stressed over something I can do nothing about.

Other things I like: folding warm laundry, changing sheets, keeping the kitchen clean, wiping down the bathroom mirror, putting away groceries.

Things I like less... ok, hate: putting away clean laundry, anything to do with floors (are they ever really clean?), dusting (I don't notice until it's tooooo late), taking out the trash, unloading the dishwasher.

(Are you seeing a trend? I hate putting things away...)

Really though, I think the easiest, most logical way to split things up is by what you notice. I notice dishes in the sink, so I clean them. I notice laundry in the hamper, so I wash it. I don't notice dust, I turn a blind eye to the drying rack, and I never notice the trash or dishwasher being full until it's too late and has caused a problem.

That said, I don't know what B notices, but I think it would be hard to assign us things that didn't occur to us. Why would I sit and stew that he hadn't put the dishes in the dishwasher if I've noticed them and he hasn't? I'm just hoping that he abhors dust and, from the looks of his apartment, he just might.

I like this article, and the quote that goes with it:
George Eliot wrote, What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?

Maybe I'm crazy, and I know there will be some kind of flow-chart at some point (I mean honestly, have we met?), but I think we're going to be fine. Any advice?

In the meantime, we still need a celebrant. Maybe we'll check the classifieds...

5 comments:

Haley said...

Two words: Merry Maids.

Ha! Just kidding, but I so enjoyed my cleaning ladies when I had them. Unfortunately now that I am home 24/7 and am not with child, I don't "qualify" for such a luxury (according to my husband). Which brings me to my point - I am just like you when it comes to cleaning. If it's visible, I do it, because I hate clutter and can't stand a full sink or hamper. But I HATE putting clothes/dishes away. So Chad usually does the emptying the dishwasher thing. However, he is apparently BLIND when it comes to his laundry...doesn't see it, doesn't notice it, doesn't realize that I spent 3 hours organizing his dresser drawers or closet...until he needs a pair of scrubs to wear and every pair is filthy and wrinkled because he wont' wash them...and I get the blame at the end of the day because I am the stay-at-home mom who didn't do her wifely duties..AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Ok, thanks for listening. I live with a 9-week-old, and sometimes I just need to get it out.

A said...

I can just see Mary Ella snuggled over her cup of coffee saying, "You tell them, mama." We had a maid while I was in high school and my mom was a stay-at-homer. I think she only came one day a week, but I totally see her benefit. Blame it on the sweet baby, "Chad, I'm sure Mary Ella would be saying 'Roll Tide' by now but I just don't have time to teach her what with this laundry and the dishes..."

Katie said...

It's funny to me because in theory you'd think a chore list would work perfectly. And, in some cases it might. However, like my great uncle Bill told me, "You often hear that marriage is a 50/50 deal. But that's not right. Sometimes you've had a bad day and you can only give 10% so he has to give 90%. Sometimes it's the other way around. You just have to help each other." It's a lot like what you were saying...
During our first month of marriage I was having a mini break down trying to do everything. I was getting used to my job, getting the house situated, trying to study for my exams, trying to tackle the thank yous. I felt like I had to be the "perfect wife" and have dinner ready and the house spotless at all times. Let me just say that none of that happened. I felt so guilty because Ben was taking on the housework so I could study for my tests. I was working 12 hour days and then the other days I was exhausted. I didn't feel like cleaning or cooking. So, during that time, Ben was giving 95 and I was giving 5 when it came to the housework and etc.

It is also good to realize expectations and talk about those ahead of time. For example, I expected Ben to handle taking out the trash b/c my dad always did that at home. That's just one of the "man" chores... taking out trash. So, it's good to go ahead and talk about those expectations and realize whether or not they are realistic.

A said...

Katie, I love that. I'm already thinking about getting a cleaning voodoo doll that I could use to convince B that he loooooves to take out the trash. And mop floors. And put away clean clothes. Seriously, I'll wash them, I'm just terrible at putting them away!
I can totally see the temptation of becoming the "perfect wife" day one, but who can do it, espcially when you're working 12 hour days!
I'm trying to convice B that, since he's in law school and I'll be working, that maybe he can do the "home" stuff for a while, but somehow I see that as FAIL. :)

cps said...

makes me think of this song, http://www.charlottekendrick.com/mp3/ThankYou.mp3
(seriously, listen to it)

...since i kinda, uh, might be tricked into believing that stuff this week...