Driving to Birmingham

I'm back in Birmingham for the day at the office (every Tuesday, every week until we return next month) and, to be honest, I hadn't expected it to be this hard. The drive over here was tough, mostly because the last time I drove my car (seriously) was when I was driving around with Mom doing funeral arrangements-- I've pretty much punted that whole responsibility to B so that I can be on the lookout for more exciting things, like geese and puppies.

So I left this morning at 7 est and had a deja vu moment that I was doing the same drive from two weeks ago, I remembered the spot on the highway where I last spoke with Dad, when he told me he wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be coming with Mom to have lunch with me that day.

The office brought back more memories. When B and I came that Sunday to pack my desk, it was a weekend, so the lights were off and the air felt different. But today the lights were on again and memories of Mom's call, followed by the sheriff's call, flooded back.

I don't do well with too much attention, especially when people are feeling sad or sorrowful on my behalf (let's leave the "pity" word out of it for now). It's not that it upsets me, I just don't know what to do with it, so instead I crack jokes, try to make them feel better, or just nod and try to edge my way out of the kitchen area without them noticing. My pen for an invisible bubble!

For the record, I know people are being kind, and it'd be harder if people just ignored me, or what I'd lost, but it's still hard.

Part of me regrets making lunch plans today, because I know I'll be thinking about heading out to eat lunch with Mom two Tuesdays ago. It's odd, if this were a bully or a battle, I'd be mad. I'd refuse to cede my Tuesday happiness, because that would mean that "they'd won." But who wins here? It's not about that. Just triggers, I guess.

I know lunch will be a fabulous time to catch up with a few Birmingham girls, so I'm looking forward to having some time with them, and I know my Tuesdays won't all be reflective or pensive. Just today, my first day back in the same shoes. I wore white, and pink pearls. Light, airy things to remind me about good times and life.

The good news is that if this afternoon leaves me in a little memory heap, I've got B waiting for me at the end of I-20 with a margarita and a big hug. We'll turn Tuesdays around, and hope that making new memories will only remind me of the good ones from "before."